sometimes i just feel like i need a break from life. suddenly, my world just tilts downward, and it's all happening so fast at increasing and uncontrolling speeds. well, this is one of the entries you usually lock up for friends only, but i don't give a shit who knows of my pathetic existence.
so where shall we begin? for one, this place makes my so sick to my stomach. i don't understand how we ended up in this dump, Kenton, Oregon was so fucking nice. it's not like we don't have the fucking cash, i saw my mother's bank statement and the zeros there were so fucking lovely. she has cash in 4 banks, and that was just one. but anyways, that has nil to do with what i'm getting to. this post will probably be longer than nomal.
what i want to do is this, and i'm aware of the fact that i've repeatedly said it over and over and never went through with it. last night i cried, and thought hard, just fucking layed in bed thinking very hard to myself. all i did today as well, think. i'm still fairly imature, and it's time i grew up, as i am aging. it's time for my to wing myself from my parents' embrace, and looked after for myself. i'm praying to god that i don't do time because of my idiotic and uncontrollable temper, but hey, that's my problem, and my fuck up, must be a man and deal with the situation.
one thing i do know is this, i am definately seeking a second job. i'll began packing my items asap, because i am so gone from this house, this city, only staying in this state because my one true friend is here, and after today he's the only person i truly care about. i know that's sort of cold hearted, but he's struggling with issues i will remain disclosed, so i could never desert him. he's the only person who's looked out for me the way he does, listens, etc. well, shit's hitting the fan, and my life changes dramatically. i'm definately buying a new car for my birthday, i'm so in love with rice burners, even if i don't street race it, i'll do tracks and shows. another big thing i'm hoping to have done by august is having my own apartment somewhere. Scottie said i could probably get a really nice one in Livonia for like 490 monthly. fucking sweet.
i need to buy a journal, to keep track of my funds with, but i'm seriously not spending a dime. june 20, my b-day, early morning, i'm going to a dealership, or maybe private owner, depends, and buying me a bad ass talon or eclipse, ranging from a 95-97 model. that's my deal, oh yes.
the one thing i fear most is becoming a failure. honestly, i was debating dropping school and picking up a full time job for the mornings, and keeping ups for evening. i'd be racking in like 1000 bucks weekly, which is pretty sweet. i realize how much of a mistake i'd be making, and so i'm going to complete school. it sucks being on your own. i have no one to fall back on, i can only depend on myself. someone told me that once. only depend on yourself, because if you can't depend on yourself than you're in a bad shape. yeah. whatever... also, lastly. i've been hurt so much in the past, i don't think i can take it anymore. seriously, from today, all contact with anyone other than my "one" friend is cut off. i talked to my ex-girlfriend last night, and she was talking about how she hurt me, and all of my former relationships were crud and i was a mere toy. she made fun of me, ugh. i'm done... i'm paranoid maybe? whatever.
about today. that fucking faggot jew mother fucker pissed me off. he was all talking shit, fuck him tho. i have too much to worry about. by the way, in my journy to leather fists. that's 1 down, 499 to go. i'm gonna go lay down. work in a few hours, ciao.